Don't Touch
by LionessInTheSmoke
Summary: Eggsy learns about the wide variety of things Merlin considers to be his, and that it may not be a bad thing. Implied Malahad, pre-possible-OT3.


AN - I hate people messing with my things, they never take good enough care of them and never put them back where they belong either. (Yes, I am looking at you, Vulcan.) A friendly warning, I may break your fingers if you break the spines of my books. And don't even think of messing with one of my people, I really do know karate and can fence as well.

Implied Malahad (I don't seem to be able to help that) and the usual swearing. Otherwise, this could almost be considered clean.

* * *

It started with his clipboard, was made very clear with his gun, and, when Eggsy caught the twitch that indicated he had almost had his hand stabbed with a nearby scalpel, there was absolutely no way to misunderstand the message.

 _Merlin did not like people touching his stuff_.

Honestly, Eggsy knew that and was just testing a couple of theories when he held Harry's hand in medical - after Merlin had retrieved him from Kentucky. Theory I being "Merlin does not like people touching his stuff" and Theory II being "Harry is Merlin's stuff".

What Eggsy failed to realize at the time, to his considerable detriment during the early months of his knighthood at Kingsman, was the wide variety of things that could be, and consequently most definitely were, counted as 'Merlin's stuff'.

* * *

But he is forced to learn. It is often an unpleasant experience.

Merlin does not share his food. Not even chips, which is considered practically compulsory by any civilized Brit. Also, where does he hide the ruler and does he keep it specially for spontaneous knuckle-wrappings? Public school weirdo.

Merlin's desk, it contents and any files on it are taboo. Although Eggsy admits that, after learning about the pens (and his near poisoning), he has been slightly wary of Kingsman office supplies anyway, he objects most strenuously to the vicious paper-cuts he is given for daring to touch files before Merlin deems to hand them to him however. Wanker.

Eggsy quickly learns to make sure to bring all allocated equipment back, or face the wrath of an enraged Scot and a passionate rant about inventory. Fuck but the man is a proper northern bean-counter.

Heaven help him if he was the slightest bit ungentlemanly to any of Merlin's department. Not that Eggsy ever means to be, they are a great bunch. But touchy about weird shit. It isn't as if they are not completely capable of getting their own back themselves either. Seriously, you do not want to deal with offended support staff. But Merlin takes any slight to them as a slight to him. And Merlin bears grudges like a master, and he can redirect all an agent's totally innocent attempts to access porn to sites for "wholesome hobbies". Eggsy thinks he may be developing a fetish for hill walking equipment and water colour paints. The perverted bastard is going to force him into therapy.

If you scratch, dent, crash or otherwise blow-up any of his vehicles, Eggsy suspects it may well be safer just not to come back at all. Going rouge would get a knight sent after you and probably a quick, clean death. There was no guarantee of that with Merlin. The tests during training proved he has a sadistic streak a mile wide.

Eggsy does not know of any word that properly describes how Merlin is about his stuff. Possessive, territorial and custodial should all be referenced in the definition though.

* * *

Eggsy did not realize that he himself was 'Merlin's stuff' until the day he was fairly sure he was going to croak.

* * *

It wasn't even a high risk mission. Or even a mission at all. He was in Bristol for fucksake. On his day off.

He had just been having a wander, taking the chance to get out and about that he had never had the money for in the past. He had been having a look at Banksy's 'Girl with the Pierced Eardrum' when some bastard had stuck him with a needle and loaded him into a van. _How completely fucking embarrassing_.

Thank fuck he'd had it drilled into him that he was not to take his glasses off unless he was engaged in activities that Merlin had assured him he had no need to see (after that one time he had forgotten). Unless it was actually a sanctioned part of a mission, in which case he expects a better performance. (Eggsy is insulted and tells him in quite colourful language that he has never had any complaints. Merlin smirks at him and tells him it is not complaints that count, but repeats. Eggsy sulks because he hasn't had many of them either.)

Eggsy does not know whether Merlin has ever been a proper knight. He calls them all "Sir", but as that includes Roxy and does not seem to involve any real deference at all, he may well be taking the piss. If he hadn't been a real knight, Eggsy really had to wonder why not. And if he had, he really had to wonder why he wasn't still.

Because when Merlin came to collect him from whatever mad bugger had had him snatched, he was as scary as Harry had been in the church. Eggsy, roughed up as he was, was not really in any state to appreciate it at the time, but he saw footage afterwards. (It left him with a strange desire to find out how Merlin looked in waterproofs and walking boots ... )

* * *

If Merlin had painted himself blue and gone in bare-arsed, he still would have ranked number two on Eggsy's list of scary fucking shit. And he wasn't even under the influence of mind-control.

He was just really angry someone was touching his stuff.

Briefly, everyone involved knew it too, because the big, mad, Scottish bastard told them before he knocked them out.

"You don't mess with one o' mine, ye stupid fuckwits. Ye are nowhere near the league tae fuck with one o' mine."

And they clearly weren't, because there was a sea of very still people surrounding him and Merlin had barely broken a sweat.

"You alright Galahad?" He asked, straightening himself up, fixing his suit (his fucking suit! Since when does Merlin wear a suit?) and cricking his neck.

"I'm your stuff!" Eggsy replied, well aware that he should be more concerned about his broken leg (and completely inappropriate boner) than he currently was and wondering what exciting drugs he'd been fed. "I didn't know you cared."

"Stupid pup." Merlin smiled, cutting him loose. "Could you not have chosen another day to get yourself kidnapped by idiots? A day when someone else was around to come and get you?"

"I am quite satisfied with the rescuer I got, ta." Eggsy replied. "You are going to have to carry your princess though, because me leg's fucked."

"Up you come then Princess." Merlin snorted and lifted him bridal style.

"Fucking fuckity fuck that hurts!"

"Don't worry Princess, I've got the good drugs in the chopper."

"I love you, Merlin." Eggsy grit out between clenched teeth.

"Don't let Harry hear you say that when he wakes up." Merlin laughed. "He's a possessive bastard."

Eggsy grinned like a maniac, and not just because of the drugs either. He was fairly sure, if that was the case, he had been Harry's stuff before he was Merlin's.

"What's yours is his." He said happily. "What's his is yours."

"Well, that is perceptive, and an interesting idea we may explore more closely when he is up to strenuous activities again." Merlin raised an eyebrow.

Eggsy felt his boner may not be so completely inappropriate afterall.

"Fantastic." Eggsy sighed and let Merlin get him settled in the helicopter for the trip home.

He trusted Merlin to take the best of care of him after all. Merlin always took good care of his stuff.

Unfortunately, he was also big on lectures when his stuff didn't take proper care of itself, and Eggsy knew he was in for a record-breaker when the drugs wear off.

* * *

AN2 - Soooo, my headcanon now says Merlin no longer goes into the field because, as well as being the tech genius, he is the badest BAMF in Kingsman, and they like to keep that a secret so if the worst ever really happens, they still have an ace to play.

He trains the recruits and handles the agents because he could do it better himself, so can usefully critique everyone. The scene in the pub? Merlin could have done that. With both hands tied behind his back. Using only his chest hair... Or something.

He is so BAMF, he believes all the Chuck Norris facts because he thinks "Yes, I could do that".

For the record, I do share my chips. It is the polite thing to do.


End file.
